I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
