I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
