What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
