I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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