How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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