saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
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Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
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You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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