I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
