Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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