The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
that may or may not have been my penis.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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