meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
