Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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