im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
