Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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