Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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