I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Fuck appropriateness.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
