she looked like the bat from fern gully.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
