You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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