I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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