But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
