oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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