i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
