my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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