i don't like sucking hair
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
