We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
