you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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