Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
