cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
