Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
