I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
