Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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