they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
