i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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