The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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