Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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