I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
