remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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