that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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