I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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