Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Is her dick bigger than yours?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
