She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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