feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
