I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
