Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
