The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
