My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
