This dress was meant to end up on your floor
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
