so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
