I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
