if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
