Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
