He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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