Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
