fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
