he wants to bone in the snuggie
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
