I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You smell like stripper and shame
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
